Introducing: Jaori Loverduck

I had been thinking for a while about including some recipes on Digestive Press so that you, the readers, could make some lovely food to eat whilst reading.  Then, out of the blue, world famous chef and leading exponent of the ‘delusionthusiism’ strain of cookery Jaori Loverduck got in contact and offered his services to Digestive Press.  I have to admit that I had never heard of him before but he comes with a list of references that I have not checked out yet but am sure are all real.  So, today Jaori submits his first cookery column and, suitably, he has chosen a recipe which includes pressing digestives.  Well, more bashing them really…

Jaori writes:  “Here is my modified tiffin recipe.  On a low heat melt together some stork (other margerines are available) and three big spoons of golden syrup.  Throw in some cocoa powder and a big handful of raisins, or maybe two.  Maybe some cherries if you like cherries.  Put 13 digestives in a bag and bash.  Whilst you bash think about something annoying – your colleagues, or your ex-wife or your ex-wife’s colleagues, or your colleague’s ex-wife, or your ex-wife’s colleague’s ex-wife who was also your ex-wife and your colleague, grr.  This will leave your biscuits nice and bashed up.  Whilst they are disorientated pour into your melty mixture and stir them in.  Mix until the two are completely mixed together and the texture is gooey yet crumbly, like crumbly goo.  Done?  Goo-d.  Using a pastry brush grease a cake tin with a little soy sauce and then spoon the mixture into the cake tin and spread out evenly-ish.  Now peel and boil one potato.  When soft mash with a fork, or even a masher if are lucky enough to own one, do not add butter or milk.  Apply a thin layer of mashed potato over the top of the cake and on top of this lay strips of ham.  We’re nearly finished now!  Melt a bar of milk chocolate and then use this to cover the whole of the cake, the ham should provide a smooth surface for you to spread the chocolate on.  Place in the fridge to set for a couple of hours.  Take out and eat.  As long as you have plenty of ingredients in the house there is no reason why you would ever want to go outside ever again!”

Next time:  Jaori Loverduck’s mango chicken.


2 thoughts on “Introducing: Jaori Loverduck

  1. Thanks Jaori, that was deliaicious. Just one question though – when i cut into the cake the mash potato squeedged out of the side of the cake. What can i do to stop this?

  2. Calista, thanks for your question. Jaori passes on this reply: “You have probably made too much potato. Please follow the specific quantities and method I have described and you shall have no problems in your quest for a tasty treat.”

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