Whenever I Go Outside It Starts To Rain

Herman:  Whenever I go outside it starts to rain.  It begins to spit when I put my shoes on and by the time I get outside it has become a full-blown shower.  If I take my shoes off again and stay inside the clouds disappear and the sun comes out.  Sometimes I try to cheat it and run outside barefoot but that only holds the rain off for a moment.  You may think that this is all in my head but you ask anyone and they’ll tell you – it always rains when Herman goes outside.

Herman’s Friends:  Hey Herman.  Um… we were just wondering if you were planning on going outside today?  It’s just that we were planning a picnic.  You’re not invited.

Herman’s Mother:  Oh my god!  What have I done to deserve a child like this?

Herman’s Mad Uncle:  It happened to me when I was young like Herman.  I would go outside and sure enough it would rain.  Then, I’d go outside and it would stay dry.  For weeks and weeks it would be dry whenever I was outside but sure enough – just when I thought I had shaken the curse it would rain on me.  So I know just what the boy is going through.

Herman’s Doctor:  Hey, whaddaya asking me for?  You think this stuff is medical?  No no no no no no no.  This is nuts, the boy is nuts!  It rains every time he goes outside?  What is that?  Leave me alone.  Bring me some warts, I can deal with warts.

The Met Office:  This is very meteorologically unusual.  Meteorologically speaking Herman is a freak.  We meteorologists have been meteorlogically monitoring him for some time with our meteorological equipment.  We still have no meteorological explanation.  He plays havoc with our forecasts.

Herman:  Sometimes I stay inside and it still rains, and these are the days that I am really unhappy.  Everyone assumes that I am outside and I get the blame and so I go outside because I may as well do.  Of course then it is impossible to tell whether it is still raining because I am out or whether it is just because.

Madame Jambon, psychic:  I see trouble in Herman’s future… a lot of water, water is a strong theme… water falling from the sky… it’s rain, yes, rain, lots of rain, oh the rain!

The Prime Minister:  We politely ask that Herman stays inside for the duration of the summer.  We will be exploring funding for alternative entertainments for the boy.


Herman’s School:  Herman, please do not attend sports day.

The All England Lawn Tennis Club:  Can we have the last week in June and the first in July dry please?

Herman:  Whilst everyone at home watched the covers being pulled across on centre court and Cliff Richard start to sing I was out in the fields, running through the rain, clothes sticking to my body, hair plastered to my face.  The rain came down harder and harder the more I ran.  “I DON’T CARE!” I shouted, “I DON’T CARE!”

The Monster Under Herman’s Bed:  I I like like the the rain rain.


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