Jaori Loverduck, our loveable rogue of a chef and regular contributor has been off on his travels – learning new techniques, expanding his culinary boundaries, running away from the law. Apparently there is new legislation in place regarding the capture and incarceration of fake chefs, and the government seem to think Jaori is fake. Anyway, he’s back now and ready to serve up another delicious treat. Take it away Jaori!
Jaori Loverduck writes: “OK, here is a pizza recipe that really is a piece of cake. So first lets make a simple base. You will need flour, eggs, butter, sugar and… I think that’s it. Mix all that together and roll out thinly. For the purpose of this recipe you will need to roll it out quite thinly and then create a basin in the centre of the base by pressing down on the dough. This will make sense later. Place the base in the oven at about 180 and cook for a while. You are all intelligent and surely do not need specifics.
“So, your base is done. Next you need to make a simple tomato buttercream. Soften butter and use a little splash of milk to cream together and then add icing sugar and mix until fluffy. This may take some muscle. Now add tomato puree and mix in well. The buttercream should keep its creamy texture and you should be left with a sweet and thoroughly tomatoey foodstuff which can now be applied to your base once that has cooked. Once this is done it is time to think about the topping for this pizza cake.
“I have always been a fan of seafood but something about the phrase does not quite sit right with me. Seafood. It normally means fish, maybe prawn or lobster but really that is just picking the best bits of the sea and rejecting the rest as a load of old water. This is a true seafood recipe and requires you to visit the seaside. At most seaside markets it should be possible to buy a lucky dip bag of sea for about five pounds, the beauty of which is that you don’t know what tasty treats you are going to get and each meal becomes a unique adventure. It is true to say that it will be mostly salty water but it could contain seaweed, crabs or even a fish of some description. Once you have your bag of sea transport it home very carefully as you do not want a leak and remain vigilant in case something tries to crawl out.
“Your bag of sea will be a little too wet to slap straight onto the pizza so first it will need to be reduced somewhat. Pour it carefully into a pan and boil gently. This should have the effect of both killing off anything that may have survived so far and removing much of the water but none of the truly nasty, authentic bits of sea life. Once that is done pour slowly onto your pizza base and do not pour in so much as to breach the crust breakwater you have built around your pizza (you may find you have plenty of sea left for another pizza).
“Bake in the oven for five minutes and then enjoy.”